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Nothing like a colonoscopy to throw a curve ball at your best efforts to stick with a food plan that doesn’t include sugar. The only item I could find with any natural calorie density was unsweetened apple juice. Paired with chicken broth, diet soda, sugar-free jello and frozen pops, my plan got me up to 1200 calorie, a minimum for me. But I sure missed chewing!

I started my day off easily enough, some hot watered-down apple juice, enough to hold me over until lunch. To take my mind off food, I spoiled myself with a really nice pedicure and a mini-shopping trip to my favorite store, Kohls. So far so good!

Dave volunteered to fend for himself with his meals. That helped a lot, but just hearing him crunch on a snack made me hungry for it too, even though I don’t eat things in bags that rattle. I haven’t for over 21 years, but just let me feel deprived and those thoughts come back in a heartbeat!

colonoscopy 1In a past colonoscopy, I really chowed down the day before the cleanse, so I wouldn’t starve to death. This time, I tried to make this as easy as I could by eating more vegetables and less protein, with hopes that the elimination wouldn’t be so rough. At six p.m. I took the first dose of the ‘juice’. Within 20 minutes, I was wearing out a path to the bathroom. That lasted all night, until we went to bed at 11. I slept fairly well, only waking up thirteen times to visit the porcelain goddess.

My alarm went off at 4 a.m. for the second dose of the ‘juice’. I still was cramping from the first go-round so I was not excited at all to repeat my earlier performance. My instructions allowed me to  continue with any of the liquids on the list but I just couldn’t bear to put anything into my tummy but a warm cup of tea. I would have loved a cup of coffee but the instructions said, ‘weak’ and that wouldn’t have been fun at all. I opted to wait until after the procedure for a nice strong, hot cup of black decaf.

Finally it was time to head to the colonoscopy center, about 30 minutes from here. I prayed that my butt would cooperate so I wouldn’t have to go in there and have anyone call me Miss Poopie-pants. I was beyond tired, close to starving to death and perhaps a bit cranky too, you’ll have to ask Dave.

colonocopy 2Finally I was stripped of my clothes, dressed in a paper gown, open in the back and hooked up to an IV. Next thing I knew, a nice nurse was asking me if I was awake. And there was Dave, ready to take me home! I smartly brought along a banana and some rye crackers for the trip home so I wouldn’t be consumed by malnutrition. Of course, my head immediately went into a plan that could allow me to eat double, after starving myself the day before.

I thanked my head for sharing, made a plan for the rest of the day’s meals on and spent the rest of the day dozing off in the snooze rocketship (our wall-hugger recliners)

I have one more low-cal snack for today and then I’m done eating, despite my crazy head telling me to have some more. I also resisted the urge to hop onto a scale to see how much weight I might have lost. I feel very bloated and any possible weight loss is not permanent. In fact, I could have even gained weight which would have really set me off for a first class, what-the-heck binge.

If you have a colonoscopy in your future, I’ve got a few helpful tips for you:

  • Get yourself a little jar of Vaseline – you’ll figure out what to do with it. Don’t wait until you actually need it, use it when you start the first dose of potty-juice!
  • It really was helpful to lay off hard-to-digest foods for a few days before the cleanse, especially beef. I chose to eat no chicken or fish, having some cheese for my protein.
  • If you know someone who’s having a colonoscopy, don’t email, call or text them with the funny line, “Did everything come out okay?” It’s not funny when your butt feels like raw hamburger meat.

Rejoice! We only need this procedure every five to ten years. If you take extraordinary care of yourself, you can stretch it to the ten. That’s my plan! Now please excuse me while I go take another nap.

One Response to Coaching from the coach – my colonoscopy caper
  1. Sounds terrible Gerri although it was a great blog post…I’ve never had one before…

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