I didn’t really have a ‘horizontal’ relationship with God before my ‘change in life’ in 1993. My concept of Him was more based on fear of reprisal than a loving ally. I turned to food when I needed a ‘buddy’. Even though excess food resulted in morbid obesity, I saw it as a solution. The relationship with food and God were both warped.
Through prayer and meditation, I have come to believe that God is not the great punisher that I envisioned in the past. I will always have life challenges, but trust today that God’s got my back. I’ve been praying a lot lately, about some health challenges that are not yet resolved. Traveling in an RV has added to the delays, as we didn’t stay in one place long enough to find a specialist and get an appointment.
We will spend the winter in southern California so that I can see the specialists I need. Colonoscopy on Monday revealed that my diverticulosis is no worse than it was ten years ago. That’s good, right? This coming Monday I will have my ‘trigger thumb’ repaired. I found an orthopedic surgeon that I really like!
Yesterday I met with an ear/nose/throat surgeon at my primary’s urging. The ultrasound from last week revealed a goiter on my thyroid gland. Unfortunately, this surgeon doesn’t deal with thyroid glands, so that ‘problem’ remains unresolved for the moment. I also have an appointment with an endocrinologist on the 24th, so I have to wait until then to see how they will handle my thyroid problem.
It’s hard to remember to trust God when I’m not getting the results I want. I thought this surgeon would maybe even be able to operate while I was in the hospital next week for my thumb. Expectations are premeditated resentments. I didn’t hear what I wanted so I was naturally disappointed. Now I’ll have to wait another ten days to see if there is a solution for this ongoing problem. I highly doubt if I’ll be rushed to any emergency rooms in critical condition between now and then, and I have to remind the drama queen in me of that.
Before taking a spiritual approach to weight loss (over 21 years ago), I’d be face first in a pizza over disappointments like this, as if that’s a solution. Even though I never got the real comfort I was seeking, I still turned to food in troubling times. And the thoughts of overeating did cross my mind yesterday, I have to admit it. Thoughts however, are not facts and I didn’t act on those thoughts. I was so glad that I took the time yesterday morning to plan my meals for the day on My Fitness Pal.
When it was time for dinner, all I needed to do was look up what I had planned and that’s what we had to eat. I was very grateful for the support group I facilitate with Sean Anderson, which allowed me to take my mind off myself for a while. If I had eaten my way through my disappointment, I’d still have my thyroid situation today, as well as some remorse over the excess food.
I still felt a little disappointed this morning and my crazy thoughts are in high gear. I’ve been on thyroid meds since March and while they slow down the metabolism (so I don’t have a heart attack), they also cause weight gain. So this morning, my thoughts flipped from “you may as well have something really good to eat because you are a big fat slob anyway,” to “no food for you until you lose 20 pounds.” None of it is sane thinking. Instead of buying into those thoughts, which are not facts, I did exactly what I did yesterday, planned my meals again on My Fitness Pal and ate a breakfast which was in harmony with my good intentions, to just ride this weight train out until the doctors find a solution to my thyroid problems.
I’m having to trust God right now. I’m a little mad at Him, but when that passes, I’ll remember that He’s got my back and everything is going to be okay. God puts the most amazing people in my life to support me through this trying time. I know this was long, but thanks for reading the whole thing. I’d much rather ‘share it, than wear it.’ You helped me today, you really did.