As a young teen, I swam competitively. I was pretty good too! Rarely did I come in first; there were two girls in my swimming league who were much better than me, so often I finished second or third. “You could have beaten her, if you only tried harder.” The words of my father echoed in my head.
Loser
Good for nothing
Second doesn’t count
I also heard, “You’re nothing but a jack of all trades, but a master at none; you’ll never amount to anything.” It was partially true – I was pretty good at a lot of things but not the best at any one thing, but that took me pretty far in my life. My ability to multi-task and delegate aided me in my career as a community association manager – perhaps not the best, but my ‘graffiti’ knowledge took me far!
In my forties, I met Maureen Traynor, A mental health counselor in Winter Park, FL. She told me that no one is perfect. There was certain freedom in that for me! I tried many new things as a result – scuba diving, water colors, and changing careers at age 57! Do you know that my first book had eleven errors in the first printing? That was after several friends and a professional editor cleaned it up!
In the Spirituality of Imperfection, by Ernest Kurtz, Katherine Ketcham, I learned that it is in my imperfections that people can relate to me. Actually, this has become a cornerstone of my spiritual coaching practice; to help clients to see that stumbling is all part of climbing the mountain it’s still important to put a good effort into the job, but today I seek to achieve excellence, rather than perfection!
Here are some things I’ve done to move away from perfectionism and toward striving for excellence!
Let go of expectations – they’re premeditated resentments anyway! When I expect a certain result, especially if it is unattainable, it’s a set up for disappointment.
Create an action plan to achieve goals. If the plan doesn’t work – revise it! There is always more than one way to accomplish things.
Celebrate the ‘wins’. Along the way to the big prize, there is a plethora of victories. Savor each one!
Learn from the challenges – note I did not say failures. Each stumbling block along my way has helped me to discover the spirituality in my imperfections.
Might you be a perfectionist? Take this online test to see how you measure!
This of course, comes from the Bible, one of the Ten Commandments given to Moses on the mountain. Growing up, I resented every time my father quoted this. It usually meant that I wouldn’t get something I wanted or would be doing something that wasn’t on my personal agenda!
The dictionary describes honor as to regard or treat with honor or respect; to confer honor on. How difficult it was to honor the Enforcer, who demanded that I clean my room, do the dishes, and finish my homework. I wanted to play, to enjoy my life, and had little respect for my parents who were trying their best to mold me into an upstanding adult.
With maturity, I began to view my folks in a different light, especially my mother, whom I could turn to when I needed to just talk. Dad was often not available, working to support six children and requiring quiet time in the evenings after his trying day. When he retired and was presented with grandchildren, my father mellowed and became approachable, creating time to play with these babies where he didn’t have that with his own children.
Fast forward to the present – my parents are now 89 years old, and have become more dependent on my five siblings and me. Dad is facing angioplasty next week for three blocked arteries. Mom has dementia. I have flown to Pennsylvania to help while some of the local kids are still working as teachers. I am grateful to have the time to help. How do I honor my parents today?
I try to do what I can quietly as to respect their dignity. How disheartening it must be to need help from your children for the most basic things – laundry, dishes, cooking. Mother repeats herself often, forgetting what she said a minute ago. I listen intently. There will soon come a day when I long to hear her offer me a pretzel five times in ten minutes.
How can you honor your parents today? Perhaps it is to honor their memory in some way, if they’re gone. If you aren’t nearby, I bet they’d appreciate a phone call. If you live nearby, visit!
Have you ever been immobilized in fear about making a decision? I’ve imagined the best and the worst outcomes, scripted various scenarios, weighed the advantages/disadvantages. What if it is a bad decision? What if it is the wrong decision?
Wouldn’t it be great to look at decisions in a different light? What if they were not about being right or wrong, or good or bad? Maybe it’s all just about being on a spiritual path! Our life choices rarely are black or white; often the path is gray.
Some of the decisions in my life have not turned out the way I anticipated, despite research, consultation and sometimes spontaneity. Several of my greatest challenges and opportunities have sprouted from what initially seemed like a bad choice. Each bump on my path can create an opportunity for spiritual growth, when my heart was open to it.
My spiritual path has been both smooth and rocky; crooked and straight. My corners, detours, and crossroads all come without guarantee that I’m choosing the right one; I cannot know until I actually take it. Even if I did choose the ‘right’ thing, is that a ticket to happiness? I cannot control the outcome. I do not have power over what others will do with my choices. If the consequences or outcomes are good for me, will they also be good for anyone else they may affect?
Since life offers no guarantee, you might as well take the risk and decide. It is true that wrong turn could get you lost, but it could also be that an opportunity for a spiritual adventure. It is all a matter of perspective.
Next time you are faced with a decision, be ready to face its consequences: if you get lemons, make lemonade! Whether it is the best decision or not, only time can tell. But do not regret it whatever the outcome. Instead, embrace it as an opportunity for another spiritual experience.
“Our spontaneous action is always the best. You cannot, with your best deliberation and heed, come so close to any question as your spontaneous glance shall bring you.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
This morning I woke up as usual, with the urgent puppy kisses of one little black dog who needed to go out. Sigh! It was 6:30 and I really wasn’t ready to get up, but the alternatives to ignoring Snickerdoodle could be disastrous. We both went back to bed and slept until 8:30. My then-regular routine would be to get up, take both dogs out for a quick walk and then ride my bike. My husband’s routine is to sleep until 9, shower and then take both dogs for a serious walk.
Spontaneously, I persuaded Dave to get up early, shower later and walk with the dogs and me. It was so nice to break out of our mold! It was still cool,(for Florida) so the dogs just frolicked, rolling around in the grass and had a great time! An evening shower, combined with sand rendered both puppies a big mess! There was no way to bring them into the RV in such a condition. Between the two of us, we bathed both dogs without even the first sip of a cup of coffee!
Spiritual moments are there for the taking when our hearts are open to them. While I am comfortable with structure, some of my best moments are those that are unplanned. Walking and talking with my husband, while the dogs rolled around in the dirt created a great opportunity for a spiritual morning. I resisted the urge to scold my puppies; my nagging would have ruined an otherwise beautiful morning.
Will you create an opportunity this week to let go of structure and give way to a spontaneous, spiritual moment in your life? Let us know how that worked for you?
